RAFIQ AUR RAQIB

Rafiq( friend) ki begairiyat(apathy), aur raqib(enemy) ki parwah (care)..

Rafiq ki angust-numai(blame) , aur raqib ki himaayat (support)..

Hayrat-Zadah (surprise and shock) kar deti hain..

Déjà vu

While in college during the placement times, of the many good things that happened like my friends coming up to give me a hug when they got a job. Some cried while they said thanks. Few came in to say they wanted me to sit for them, believed that I could be of help, others thought having me around would help when required. With all these options at hand and me willing to take up the job I like and not just any job I was almost free throughout the placement time.

So free that at the end of the placement phase one, I was amongst the last 6 leftovers in my class and last 30 of my batch of 400. Yet I decided to take up only the job I would join, and not just any job, coz somebody else might have needed that desperately and I would take that just to feel secure that I have a job.

Tata Telecom, the company I can never forget. My batch-mate who wasn’t actually anything more than an acquaintance Mr. X asked me to help him out. I did that but somehow things did not work out and he could not copy, neither exchange sheets, etc and finally I got the call and not him. Unwilling to take up that job and to not be black listed by not going for the interview I went in. I had an assessment that compared to others I stood a far better chance of the job. Yet went ahead intentionally screwed up came out told them why I did so they were happy to hear that, found it interesting what ever act I pulled off inside coz deep down their hearts they knew where in competition they stood against me.

But as I always say and firmly believe that whenever “luck” factor has to decide I am sure I would fail. So, here the company because they found my act as whimsical and derogatory to their image resolved not to recruit anybody. That came as a shock to me and to others. I tried to convince them but all in vain. The guys pounced on me as if I had purposefully wanted that to happen, I minute ago they were happy that I killed the existing competition and a minute later they were all rash and ready to fight. I knew it was their desperation for a job and no matter what I tried to explain to them they did not hear a word. I felt guilty of this, and went about virtually begging the placement incharge and the company people to reconsider and reconcile and accepting it was my fault. They finally agreed and took two people and then I took it up to me to give whatever help I could to all those and I did. But that fight and verbal duel, and blames I can never forget even the person who could never raise his voice talked shit to me, yet I stood by explaining them all accepting it to be my fault not out of fear or lack of courage but out of guilt that I in someway was responsible for that.

Down the years, I might have met them a number of times, we rarely say hi, a guy even died due to illness some years back, to be frank to confess, it did not hurt me a bit or neither was I sorry for him rather it was somewhere peace when I recapitulated that event within me after I heard the news.

4 years later something happened that was a déjà vu. Where in I entered with no malign intentions, just that everything should be just perfect, people who have had a bad time should not have the same again in anyway, I stood by with whatever I could dispense off with, whatever little I could do for others benefit, still I felt guilty of something that I did years ago. I lost or to be precise was not manipulative, cunning, or probably possessive enough to hold on to, yet the solace is I did what I felt right and with good intentions, and moreover now we are even and I can do away with the guilt, regret, a sorry feeling that I had harboured deep down all these years. Intentions aren’t visible probably people need to speak up to show it, but the best guys are those who understand you without having to say a word, may all of us find at least one such person. Good luck.

I thank you for your acceptance...acceptance for the way i am..

When you ask me “How do I look” I would probably just reply ok or at best good. Rather the time I don’t say anything but I keep looking at you that’s what I exactly want to convey remember the lines by ronan keating “ You say it best when u say nothing at all”. I don’t usually go to superlatives and exaggerate to superficially please you by saying that you are the most beautiful lady I ever met. That would also mean the I have never seen the likes of Meg ryan, Chitrangada singh or Gayatri joshi, so the truth is what I say, which might look bad.

The time you ask me “should I do this or that” I would always leave the option for you to decide, give a mild very mild favourism for one thing, that too rarely. I would dispense with whatever little I can think of for either of the choices with all possible pros and cons, and let you decide yourself and standby your decision whatever it is. I would not ever say you should do this until it is a matter of choice between the right and the wrong. But there too, I would definitely expect to follow what I feel is right until you have a justification of a view point contrary to mine. Then too I would not say who is wrong but let time decide who is and will be more than willing to accept mistakes feel sorry and accept change.

Whenever there is a choice between people, emotional attachments and relations on one hand and ethically right, commitments the righteous approach I would opt for the latter irrespective of the situation. This might hurt you, make me appear more selfish than anybody, insensitive and mean beyond expectation. But still I would do that, can be attributed to the little psychic that has grown inside me all these years.

I might not tell you that I am good at so and so things or a great achievement of mine because I have none, and the superfluous things that people or myself perceive as achievement are two small to be spoken about. But, definitely all my confessions will be to you no matter howsoever heinous it may be.

I would never speak up about my fears, my expectations or will be judgemental about people around you or situations. It is only when I am expected to open up I do, but would definitely regret later doing that because they are too personal to be spoken to myself too, most of those things.

I would too frequently too loudly and repeatedly shout at you, but never when I see you are at fault. But that would be because there is something else that is irritating me, and I know you would understand that and give me the liberty to act frantically. But I would never forget to say and feel sorry and try and make up for the same. Also no matter how much you scream at me, I would never raise my voice at that instant coz I understand at that moment you want to be heard and not be reciprocated with gyaan.

I will surely forget your birthday, or any other special day important to you. To put it precisely, that’s a personality flaw, which you would have to bear with all your life. Till now my sister helps me remember that, my mom takes care of the rest even my own b’day reminder. Yet, they have no complaints probably they have accepted it coz they have no choice and a replacement or exchange if not impossible is surely very difficult.

I would hesitate to visit relatives yours and mine because I haven’t done that all these years. I am not used to it. My family took care of the fact that they don’t persuade or push me too much to attend any of those family functions. I usually do it without the slightest extra efforts rather I avoid it if possible. But never the less, once there I would not let that expression come on my face and be a part of it. You can be rest assured that my ways might be embarrassing, but still the crowd would love to have me there.

I am bad at gifts, cards, flowers, chocolates and stuff. A rough guy I am. I just have words like the song goes “Its only words and words are all I have to take your heart away.” But definitely I would try my level best to take care of you in the best possible way I can, nothing less than that.

I will let you have all the choices coz 20years down the line if you regret having settled down for something far lesser than you could have got, I would only remind you that the decision was entirely yours and I was just the lucky one at the receiving end. Not an iota of effort will I make to manipulate your decisions but still somewhere I will expect that to happen probably just by miracle or just by the faith that I aren’t wrong in leaving you free to decide for yourself.

I and you might have lots of things in common, moreover their might be even greater number of things that aren’t. Yet, I will try and join you in your insanity, but I would respect each one of us to not compromise or mould our ways for other, rather be vocal about our different choices equally strongly as about our commonness. Weather this disparity is in food, books, sports, outings ,relatives or hazaar other things, I would see to it that your choice is never left behind even though I would request you to try out mine.

When it comes to fights, I don’t. I would always submit before the people I know (against others I try my best till my lack of stamina, fighter skills, and age stop me from jumping around). Not, because I lack the courage, but because I don’t intend to fight in any way with them. There might be a difference of opinion and I let them have their way and I have mine. I prefer to keep things calm rather than enforce, emphasize or explain my stance, so that whenever we meet it we have lots of pleasant stuff to talk rather than belittle each other. I am a self-proclaimed “ besharam, bezzat and badnaam of the gravest degree, to find somebody below me you got to make a herculean effort.” So, I find words like insult, respect etc as shear stupidity and over emphasis of adjectives in my case.

My work will keep me busy, and most of the times I will take the leverage to attend work rather than you. But, understand I just prioritized situations and the comparison wasn’t between my job and you, loyalty to work is not that bad, at least you are sure that you have a loyal human companion coz the other good option is a dog.

I might look like a fat ass with a largely receding hairline for which I don’t care, a fucking bearded unshaven extremely potholed face, a little better than a born in black out but def. not the fairer of the lots, shabbily dressed moreover never dressed for the occasion aptly, torn shoes or rather no shoes just slippers that too bathroom slippers weather it is an airport or somebody’s house or my bathroom, not a presentable guy, sans eating sense of what and from where, sans choice of cuisine and the right sophisticated way to have it, a limited knowledge guy, an all time pervert language speaker, a guy who thinks” jab taka aam(mango) poore moonh par nahin laga tab tak kya aam khaya, aam bhi kya kaante se khaane ki cheez hai,” home food will always be the preference over outside food yet try out the weirdest places for the delicacy of that place, when you sit behind me on a bike you might scream out of fear of getting killed and while in a car you will scold me all the way on my driving skills and I would make it a point to argue with the most unreasonable excuses I can find to contradict you. I would not take bath for a few days which might extend to a week in extreme winters, and moreover I am a little allergic to perfumes and deodorants so the usage is rationed by physical limitations.

With countless flaws in me, you have still accepted me. I think I can not be thankful enough to you………..my friend.

Change is unavoidable…..is it really so?

From the time I have rejoined work after leave, my crew and moreover I feel there has been some change in my personality. I kind of get irritated easily, earlier I used to joke around with my crew that has stopped. The company policies and salary, to say that did not matter would be a lie, but not upto a point where I constantly thought over them and went about bitching about them here and there has become fairly common. I liked going to the site, I loved my job, but now it seems a burden to me. I was one of the sought after engineers when it came to job preparation and planning but now I usually forget something or miss out something or the other. The client has his own set of problems with me, “fuck off” he says politely because of earlier good relations but that is easy to get what he means. The on-site failures and problems were easily sorted out, I was never flustered when they occurred but now the slightest problem makes me mad and I am all freaked out.

I have more often started shouting at my crew and staff the language has become pervert day by day, while I shout at them. I earlier liked working with them in the workshop chatting with them while working they felt good that I was a part of them. But gradually that has nullified and the distances have increased.

I don’t call up people or my so called friends as frequently as I did earlier neither do I chat on the net with them. There was a non-visible but fairly prominent gap that existed, which has now been accepted as it is, it is an easier way to not be labeled as tried tested and found not ok. Probably only people I call up are family members, I call up that to within a minute or so the conversation ends after the courteous salutations and asking for if everything is fine. If I look upon what I have done all through the day, nothing. Just a newspaper or a novel that’s it. I enjoy not being bugged up to be left alone with what I am doing to not be questioned and just heard. I have started taking advantage of my designation and seniority a bad thing to do but somehow I never realize that till I think over it later.

The best times have become the evenings, go play some basketball, come back have a drink and play the guitar rather try to play the guitar to be precise. Sleep early and start off again the next day.

Constantly there is something brewing up which I am not aware of but it is definite there is something. I might take time to figure out but till then I pray all these guys bear with me, sorry guys, I am a fairly known and a famous psycho need not reiterate, that hope things will improve soon. Wish me luck..i need that..

Raanaaee-e-Khayal

Abhi nafrat woh parwaan nahin chadhi ki isko ranj keh sakoon,

aur asar itna oas(fade) nahin hua ki ise chaah bhi naam na de sakoon.

Is main itna paaya nahin ke ise ek mustafeed(profitable) qimaar(gamble) keh sakoon,
aur itna kam bhi nahin khoya ke ise zaraar(failed) tijaarat(business) naam na de sakoon.

Ab aab-e-deedah itne bhi nahin ke unko aab-e-rawaan keh sakoon,
aur is qadr abhi khushk bhi nahin ke isko phuwaar bhi naam na de sakoon.

Yeh tihee yun nahin lagti ke ise laazawaal keh sakoon,
aur itni kam bhi nahin ke is firaaq ko sirf- o-sirf ijtinaab naam na de sakoon.

jo bhi ho, woh waqt lamha-e- aasoodagi ( moments of opulence/tranquility) hain ...aur kuch nahin.

Mere papa…Mere idol

A famous quote I once read “To be remembered after you are gone, either write something worth reading or do things that people can write about.”

The man I admire, I am in awe and only thing that would summarize my appreciation of his personality his strong character is that given a chance to be 1% like him, I would give up anything & everything for that…anything.

One of my friends and my sister just happened to talk about him one day, he is always a part of my discussions, and a wonderful advice came my way to write about him. Write a book to be presented to papa, that could be the most wonderful gift for him. The idea was bright but I was incapable to stand up to that level to be able to do justice with my little knowledge of words to his personality. So, this is the best place to present to the world, I feel somebody from whom people should learn to be a better human, my father.

To say he is the best would be like I have seen the world to claim that, but definitely with the limited number of people I have met, not because he is my father keeping that aside but as a human.

Work ethics: As my dad sees it.

My father then aged 12yrs, lived in a small village of India, Khair. He started his day early 4.00am went to the family shop to open it, set things in order, get the work started. Then went to school, was in class 6^th then, came back from school to again go to the shop to help with the work. The family shop was a sweets shop at that time, so it closed late around 1200 in the night, he would stay and work that late.

This continued till the business changed to logistics and transport, in which he himself went, with the trucks to distant places, then still in school.

He did law, started his practice, but soon the family business was in shambles, while all others so called bro’s and sis’s of my dad stuck to their line of trade. This man quit his law practice and came to the rescue. The business was a grain commission agent business, to deal with farmers, get their grains cleaned and packed and sell it in the main market.

With such deplorable state of affairs, too many labourers were unaffordable, so with the limited number of men available, he himself offloaded trucks full of grain sacks on his back. Then cleaned them got them packed. With hell amount of dust around, he worked in the scorching sun or heavy rain or any damn weather condition. He just worked. The leftover dust was sieved by him so that the farmer does not loose grains. In the long run this has made him a respiratory disorder patient, but those were the times when this was needed and to think about himself and his future would have been selfish. The work continued late till 2 -3 in the night and again started early 6-7 in the morning. I hardly got to see my dad when I was home from my hostel.

With such dedication to work and family business it was very easy to enjoy the fruits it pays today. But the ethics of that person, the family business was meant for his younger brother who he had come down to support quitting his law practice. So, he has not taken a single penny all these years, over two decades now, from that business to run his family (us). To support us he has done numerous small scale businesses such as, logistics & transport, supplying leather shoes from Agra to other places, dry-cleaning to the one now a middle man for other grain dealers. But not once he faltered towards this business even today he takes care of his own small business on the phone or when he is free from the family shop. Even today he works on the shop like he has all these years, without any expectation. It was easy to wash off his hands that he wasn’t taking anything from here, so why does he need to continue working here or with so much of dedication.

The only thing that guided him was that this business was started by his father, my grandfather, and he has put in a lot to bring it to the level it is at today. It is like his child, and he just expects it to flourish and grow and expects nothing in return, it is this success he his content with.

Things that I need to learn from this entire work episode of his life.

1) I can very well summarize it as “Do not trust a person who is not loyal to his work”. Don’t do it because you have to show it to somebody, be honest to yourself. Hard work and dedication might appear obsolete now days but to not eat from the money that I don’t deserve is a feeling of satisfaction beyond words.

2) There are certain things in life that you do without any expectation from them, if you get any such chance, don’t miss it.

3) When it comes to making a choice, the right will most of the times appear difficult, still choose that, at least there will be something your children would be proud of.

4) “Khuddari ab kam logon main reh gayi hai, agar hain toh bacha ke rakhne ki koshish karna, fakr se jeene ka andaz aur mazaa kuch alag hi hai.”

The “five star waala safed tourist” theory.

It usually happens that foreigners visit India, to see india as it is. They are passionate about it, but lack the guts to actually endure and enjoy what india is all about. So, the so called five stars and tourism department comes in from nowhere to help them out…it is really good. They give them a comfortable stay, a wonderful ambience, as they like, and a contrived picture of india as they have seen in the books. The desert safari, the local visits, the food, the snake charmers even, and everything is very meticulously put forward as "The Real India". This is not limited to only the foreign visitors but to a lot many our people who have taken to the same way of exploring Indiyaah. But ask people who have actually seen India, they know to see India the first thing you got to do is have less cash, and a desire to enjoy this state of affairs as it comes.

The travel: To reach a remote area in a rickety bus that takes full 3 hours for 90km run. The bus is packed to capacity inside, outside and above with all sorts of kitchenware, kids with noses running, and people with at least 6 such kids managing their way to a seat or making themselves comfortable on the floor, bidi-ciggarette smoke filling the little air left to breathe, the cross ventilation is blocked by standing and packed to capacity people open doors with people hanging on the foot rest serve as French windows. The co-driver shouting –begging people to take tickets, he squeezes and like a meandering river makes way through the crowd to each person to take the fare. The driver meanwhile stops the bus till all have got their tickets, and plays the typical hindi songs of Altaf raja “ tum toh thehre pardesi” or the broken heart love songs of the legend Rafi sahib, but sung by a localite in an attempt to imitate him. Suddenly there is a war cry “oyeeeee chaaaal” the driver starts the engine and the bus moves as shivery and slowly as possible with windows creaking, chairs shaking, children crying, the junta showering all the mom and sister blessings to each other and especially to the driver, loud sonorous snoring from the few who manage to catch a quick nap and amidst this clamour you get to hear a beautiful folk song the locals call it “Ragini”. The only musical instruments are few stones thumping the tin of the bus and still a lovely music which is in sync with the singer is heard. Ragini is the local folk rendition of tales from mythology or daily life. It is this lovely rendition that makes the entire journey musical and worth having taken.

Probably the gora’s who sit in the a/c buses with elvis and pink Floyd, Mltr music playing will see the vast extent of landscapes but not the even greater extent of the …heart of india.

The food: The same bus stops at a local dhaba, with a 12yr old stepping in to shout “yeh bus abhi aadhe ghante idhar hi rukegi, jisko khaana ho , chai pini ho idhar khaa sakta hai.” On offer is the local food in local style. Rajasthan for instance has gatte ki sabzi, singri, kadhi, baajre ki roti with lots of ghee, chaach, spicy dal, rajasthani style raita, and churma as the sweet dish……ummmmmmmmmm…..and a charpoy to rest once you have had two or three burps. A nap on the charpoy amazing, refreshes you completely, when you wake up there is a “2rs standard kullhad waali kadak chai “ bas piyo aur bindaas jiyo. I just forgot to mention, the goras think a lot about the hygiene and stuff, they should as they aren’t use to it agreed . But, because they think they will fall sick eating out they do.... most of them. Real food should be filled up real way. The locals in Rajasthan, Bihar, Jharkhand rather almost all the interiors of india eating with our hands is the norm. People who have not done that, they find it “ yeh kya ganwaar ki tarah” types. But, I tell you it is wonderful, far more satisfying than the steel tool and far more enjoyable. Not a speck of rice you will find in their platter, they know the importance of food and prefer not to waste an iota of that. The way a person in Chennai eats is different from that in Jharkhand, in Bihar, Assam or even in Kashmir, they use the god gifted natural spoon the hand but each has a peculiar style. Gora will find it clumsy, uncivilized and what not, but never realize the thought behind it.

The accommodation: The gora will be invited to a lovely, comfortable cottage or a hotel as the arrangement is. They sleep well in that enclosure of theirs but india has a better way to sleep, the people here work hard and hence find no use of extravagant paraphernalia to induce sleep, they just put a charpoy in the open air and close their eyes. The night breeze is wonderful, with the moon and the stars as your natural blanket, everything is so silent that one can hear himself breathe, pitch dark, if it is a full moon night it looks beautiful. The jute charpoy is a little rough, but that is really lot relaxing and an experience to have. But before you are off to sleep I forgot to mention, the local tradition of the “kadhai waala doodh” ahaaaaaa…wow. It is actually soporific.

The local “buggi” or bullock cart, the tubewell bathing, the “aam ke baagh, litchi ke baagh”, the warmth of the people, the togetherness and honour they have for their guest, the dust, the heat, the rain, the attire which might be bare minimums for the local men, the crowd, their language, their traditions, their ways of living and numerous such things. You need to stay with them the way they do, you just can not take to your abode and still say that you have seen india. Yes, you did have a glimpse of it, a contrived view to be precise, the way the heart of india is, to know that, give your heart to it, enjoy it explore it, forget where you belong, where you are heading, just masti.com…that’s the mantra.

there is lots more to share....rather i will say how i have spent my days like this....enjoyed each moment...soon.

just a few pictures of my workplace...beautiul!!!!

A typical sand-storm...cant see anything except for the sand...looks like nuclear explosion.

my accomodation and work place.....kaisi lag rahi hai...only sand and nothing....

Somehow no more images could be uploaded..the place looks beautiful at night ..... at peace not a sound (except for mine and my crew's), a clear sky with all those constellations which u might have seen in swades, and many we make. Can u ever see them in delhi....i am sure NOT.

The sunrise occurs at around 6.30am a beautiful, lovely pleasent, soothing, mesmerising time to just stand and face the sun....with nothing but only landscapes as far as u can see.

At night the sand cools down, feels great to lie down on it and keep gazing the stars, even better if you are down after a drink ( few of my crew members do that oftenly).

not much to say ...just that its a wonderful experience...

The Art of Being Selfish....its EASY.

To be selfish is damn easy, probably the easiest thing in the world. The best part in being so, you will always be happy rather happier, because the person you care for most is ….YOU.

Things that might be helpful to get going with the process of this wonderful transition:

1) Stop looking into the mirror, you might hate the person right across, or that person might make you feel guilty. Easy don’t pay attention there, just comb whatever hair leftovers you have on your head and move off. Don’t you try and smile there to see your not so sparkling teeth, the guy in there hates this to make him smile forcibly.

2) Stop making eye contact with people, eyes say it all, so better refrain from giving away your true intentions. Advice: wear those big shades like those actresses that cover your entire face, and eyes seem to be lost somewhere beneath them.

3) Call up people only when you have some work, and at times just like that lest they might forget you and your chances for help in the future might diminish. Advice: Choose a good mobile plan that will help you a lot.

4) Once you are through, don’t look back just walk out. Give a damn to stupid formalities, or courtesy. You see even the British did not look back when they fucked for centuries and left India, definitely human life expectancy is less than a century and moreover no matter how much you try you can’t be that bad until and of course if you are a mistakenly leftover hybrid.

5) Always compare, things, people, places and whatever so that you can pick the best for yourself. It is a democratic nation, and this is your right to freedom, son of a bitches practice it, for some of you it might be the sole so called right you will get in your lifetime.

6) Close your eyes to everything that is going on around you, except for what you want don’t look idhar-udhar. Perfect example: be a shaadi waali ghodi types which can only see in one direction the band master that man is the best musician in the world because he is going to feed the animal at the end of the day.

7) Always try and talk in the first person, I, me forget the 2^nd person and 3^rd person assume they never existed. English is crap if it is not in 1^st person, burn it into your head in a permanent storage block, and if possible keep it somewhere else as a backup also.

7 tips…there might be better ones, but for each day of the week practice one. One is enough for a day, and within a month you will be rocking man.

Number do(2) ki mahima

How does it feel to know that you worked, made all efforts for something, but you didn’t get that your desperate first priority, you had to settle down on the second option. Or you were the second option when it came to choosing between two people. I would say” aukaad se milta hai, aukaad main raho.”

Some people are used to it at least I have a group of friends who unanimously believe this. I have numerous incidents from my own past to show this. To begin with, my admission in boarding school, the first priority was Welhams, Dehradun, did not get admission there so took the only option available Col. Brown Cambridge School. In school there I, without the intention to boast, was overall a good student an all rounder. But when the best all rounder was decided, I was still the second best. I was the even second highest percentage holder in school. Then made an attempt to change school, applied to Doon & RIMC Dehradun, both refused admission in the 2^nd round the interviews. Took the second option available, came to Delhi, just a confession over the years I have realized this was the biggest blunder, crap decision I have ever made in my life. If I get an option to go back in time and change something….for sure I would change this without doubt. Anyways, I wanted admission in DPS, did not get that. Tried for those second grade schools such as Montfort they too refused only DAV took me apparently the second best in the area I was to spend the coming 5 yrs. No grudges, by that time fairly used to this secondary thing, accepted it. It actually was a third grade school, for people who know actually what school is all about don’t ever take that as an option. For others who aren’t aware of the purpose of school have a look at it and you will know what all a school should not have.

Anyways, whenever it came to options of subjects always the second option weather Sanskrit or Comp.Sc. or the career stream of non-medical subjects. Made all possible efforts to get into IIT for my Undergrad course, I had still that spirit to fight for the best no matter weather I get it or not. So, like all other times, IIT strictly no no, NSIT yes yes….again the 2^nd tier college of India and def. the 2^nd best in Delhi. I was among the little less than the best guys in college.

Came the placements, my efforts for getting into the core electronics companies came crashing very soon, I had to take up my next option of HLS, a matter of coincidence they are the 2^nd best people in their field Schlumberger being the best. They took me, as they conveyed to me later that initially they were apprehensive if they should hire me but on second thoughts they decided to. I am the only engineer with them now, from that entire group of 10 engineers hired that time, they are happy that they decided in favour of their second thought.

Now in other matters, hypothesize if somebody told you that you were just a second option or a backup, how would you feel. Definitely, you would hate that person for having considered you that ways. But for me, “apne ko toh aadat hai number do ki shuru se,” so if my being a backup can let somebody have the faith and assurance to pursue with confidence whatever they like, it is simply great. In fact that shows that you trust me more than the awwal number, because you doubt that it might not work you took me as a backup a solid reliable waala, par is backup ka backup toh nahin socha. So, like all other earlier times seconds ka maal label lag gaya.

To begin my next phase of career for MBA I tried for IIM and similar leagues colleges no chance a failed attempt. Anyways, now comes the second option of GMAT lets hope for the best.

“Ek problem hai, ke abhi tak jo fight maarne ki zeal hai woh poori tarah khatam nahin hui hai, saali bade tagde ishtyle main koot koot ke bhari hai.” So, the gist is that I aimed high fought for it, nahin mila..koi nahin, whatever I got I accepted that. Have grudges for some, have liked some, have admired some, enjoyed appreciated others. But, with time I have become more accepting than before that, “awwal number ki fight abhi bhi maarenge, lekin saala duje se neeche nahin jaayenge abhi itni bhi aukaad nahin giri, kal ka pata nahin.”

The Speaking Portrait.

There are two people who can admire, understand and appreciate a work of art. First, it’s creator the person who infused life into that work of art. Second, an admirer who gave it the right appreciation it ought to get. Both are equally in awe of the painting but the way they look at it is very very different…rather poles apart.

The creator: He puts all his effort to realize a dream that he has, to create his masterpiece. The art is appreciated, as the creator wants and expects it to. The creator visits the art gallery, inconspicuous to all visitors, for him it is the praise that his painting gets, more important to him than he being praised for the same. The painting feels, likes his presence, the painting always waits for its creator, it wants that no one other than the creator to take her home. The creator too wants the same. Though he is the creator of the masterpiece, yet he has to make efforts for the painting which he does.

The admirer: He knows exactly what the creator wanted to create, the admiration the painting deserves. He stands by the painting for hours mesmerized by it, for days, weeks and longer and could do so till eternity. He knows that he can take care of the painting, but he also realizes that there could be people who can take care of her better. He simply thinks that some day things will be just perfect for him to try and ask the painting to come home with him. He has apprehensions, which he wants the painting to decide for itself, which is the better of all options. The painting likes being admired by his admirer, when the creator is not there it is the admirer she wants to have around, the painting is also fearful if the creator is unable to make it she expects the admirer to standby as an alternative, he unknowingly and knowingly does, because that is what the painting expects from him.

The creator and the admirer do not feel each others presence, they both only have one thing in mind that the painting makes it to the place where she ought to be. The creator has the consent of the painting the admirer is just given an expectation. The creator is the priority the admirer is secondary. The creator and admirer both are very different, the creator is far better than the admirer. Their efforts for the painting are different, the admirer is silent unless expected to speak.

In a situation when the painting has to choose between the creator and the admirer, she chooses the creator. She does the right thing, but painting gives no reason as to why, probably she does not find the admirer worthy or she does not feel the necessity to explain it to the admirer. The painting does not say a word. It is this ability of the portrait to speak that makes it a special creation of that creator, the one that the admirer loves, and also the one which she looses in this tussle.

Zindagi-main aks hoon tera.

Amitabh in one of his movies quoted “ zindagi soz bane, saaz na hone paaye; aur jab saaz-e-dil baje, toh awaaz na hone paaye. Various facets of life or to say zindagi have been penned down by great poets and writers. I think of myself as a reflection of reality called life. I follow what this life wants me to do, I become what it expects me to. But, there is a wide gap between what I would have expected it to be and what it is now. Although, this struggle is eternal, but it is necessary; agar yeh jatojahean na rahi toh yeh zindagi neeras ho jaayegi bandhu.

Jis shiddat(passion) se jiya hai maine, tujhe e zindagi; us andaaz(way) ko bayan (narrate) karne ke liye mere pas lafz nahin, aur use samajhne ke liye jo ehsaas chaahiye woh tere paas nahin,

Jis chaahat se chaaha hai maine, tujhe e zindagi; us jazbe(feeling) se kuch ummedd rakhoon itna chota dil mera nahin, aur tu us jazbaat-e-khayaal ka khayal rakh paaye itna bada dil tera nahin.

Jis shikwe (grudge) ki shikaayat tak nahin ki maine, tujhse e zindagi; usko shikast(defeat) ki shakl de doo itna bhi main abhi haara nahin, aur tu use manzar-e-jashn (time of celebration) ka khitab de paye itni bhi tu abhi jeeti nahin.

Jis zaraafat (humour) ke hunar ko taraasha maine, tere liye e zindagi; usko hujoom ( public) ne tanz( mockery) kahaa mansooba (intention) woh tha nahin, aur kaifiyaat (narrative talent) ki is ada ko tu ne zinda dili kaha nahin,

Jis taaluk (relationship) par fakr kiya maine, woh tujhse hai e zindagi; usko aaz(lust) kahoon itna bhi main pashemaan(repentant) nahin, aur tu use pakeezah(pure) kahe itni bhi tu meharbaan nahin.

Jis khiffat( humiliation) ko piyaa maine, tere liye e zindagi; usko teri khataa(mistake) kahoon yeh angusht-numai (pointing fingers) meri fitrat nahi, aur tu sharmsaar ho itni urooj ( high) teri maahiyat ( temperament, nature) nahin.

E zindagi main aur kuch nahin, aks hoon tera.
Par chahta hoon yeh fark bana rahe, waqt ka aaena mujhe tujhse aise hi roobaroo karwaaye, kyunki... tu meri zaroorat hai. Aakhir main aks hoon tera, tere bina meri hasti hi kya hai.

The way to live your life....

This song is an amazing song...which reflects the way i think people should try and live to be happy. One of kishore da ka greatest renditions.....i am proud of the fact that most people i get along with, think similarly, the way of life we have lived has been like this....and it definitely has been amazing...

enjoy the lyrics of the song..feel karo baabu...feel karo....

Hum hain rahi pyaar ke, humse kuchh na boliye -3
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye
Hum usi ke ho liye
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye

Dard bhi hamein qubool, chaina bhi hamein qubool -2
Humne har tarah ke phool, haar mein piro liye -2
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye
Hum usi ke ho liye
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye

Doop thi naseeb mein, dhoop mein liya hai dum
Doop thi naseeb mein to dhoop mein liya hai dum
Chandni mili to hum, chandni mein so liye -2
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye
Hum usi ke ho liye
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye

Dil pe asraa kiye, hum to bas yunhi jiye -2
Ek kadam pe hans liye ek kadam pe ro liye -2
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye
Hum usi ke ho liye
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye

Reh mein pade hain hum, kab se aap ki qasam -2
Dekhiye to kum se kum, boliye na boliye -2
Jo bhi pyaar se mila, hum usi ke ho liye
Hum usi ke ho liye
Hum hain rahi pyaar ke, humse kuchh na boliye ...

Hum toh aise hain bhaiya!!!

Main aur mere sab vichitra sangi saathi,

Hamare jeevan ka sarvottam paryay hai barbaadi

Hamare dukhon ki ek lambi kataar hai

Bekaar, berozgaar, har jagah haar, aur koi shakl se chaukidaar

Kismet ki…kismet ki rekha hoti hai, aisa suna karte hain

Rekha ke naam par hamaare haath main dot dikha karte hain

Aur Life line itniiiiii lambi, ke poora haath kam pad jaayega

Upar waala apni Black & white film poori ek sau solah(116) reel ki banaayega

Jab kabhi galti se holi- diwaali , naayi ke darshan karne jaate hain,

Woh bolta hai” ismain na kaintchi chalti hain na kanghee, time pass karne idhar kyun aate hain”

Maatha itna vishaal ke peeche gardan tak sapaat maidaan dikhta hai,

Eyebrows ka jhaad ek kaune se doosre tak poore maathe ko underline karta hai.

Kuch ki Aankhon ka size hai itna chota

Log kehte hain, yeh khade khade kaise hai sota

Baaki sab ki aankhen itni badi hain, ki socket se bahar nikalti hain

Bache poochte hain…unlce, kya kharidne par bhi apne size ki nahin milti hain?

Naak aise jaise MCD sewer pipeline ke do shatigrast pipe,

Shuruat poore gaal dhak leti hai.aur.peeche pahunchne se pehle gayab.

Kaan inte chote ki, log kehte hain sunne ke liye kaun sa ang prayog karte ho,

Honth inte bade ki lagta hai, chammach ke apeksha karchi ka prayog karte ho.

Gucci , Versace ityaadi branded vastra dhoond dhoond kar thak gaye hain

Salesman bole, pehle bante they Adnan Saami ke size, ab toh woh bhi sikud gaye hain.

Jab nike etc par sports shoes try karne ka man banaya

Toh log bole, kya kabaddi, kho-kho, gulli-danda ka koi naya sports collection hai aaya.?

Jagah jagah hamein apni vichitrata ka ehsaas bakhubi karaya gaya,

Uttam se uttam visheshan ka prayog kar samjhaya gaya.

Sab ache se samajh aata hai,

Par sapnon par kis ka zor chal paata hai.

Icchaon ke bulbule man main ucchalte rehte hain,

Tere liye bhi kahin koi hai, yehi santvana dete hain, yehi santvana dete hain.

Love

Love is that tiny, tingling feeling that has no reasoning as to why, that has no quantitative segregations such as more or less, that has no logic of what lead to it or an algorithm of how it works, nor does it have a set course it will follow, neither a specific destination or a result, it has no boundaries of who and what, it can in no way be said to be an outcome of something or situations, it has nothing that can be attributed to it as a reason why people fall in love. Having no reason to love, is by far the best and the biggest appreciable reason to feel that you are in love with someone.

KEY TO RELATIONSHIPS

During one long and deep conversations with one of my friends, I was questioned what a relationship meant to me? According to my friend, the foremost thing in a relationship is that they should talk and if people talked less that could not be taken to be a relationship. That was put as the foremost criterion to define a relationship.

I could have answered there and then, but being a slow thinker, moti buddhi, it took me time to compile the entire thing. According to me there are certain things that are the foundations of any relationship, not just a love, could be friendship, between members of the family, you and your spouse, you and your kid anybody.

1) Fearlessness: If I am fearless to speak up anything, discuss, argue or even confess in front of somebody, with an assurance and a confidence that I will be heard with patience and also be understood. I will be given an opportunity to explain my stance even though I might have made the biggest blunder in my life. Something that you might feel shame, ignominy or guilt, or any such form of expression in public, but with that person you feel safe and heard you are fearless to approach him anytime.

2) Faith: No matter how harsh the path is, no matter how long it is, no matter if I am able to see the other side of the road: my destination, but I have the faith that my walk with this person is what matters. He will definitely lead me to the place I ought to be. At worst I might not be able to reach a destination, but the journey itself would be none the less wonderful.

3) Forgiveness: If for the most heinous of the crimes somebody can forgive me, he wont say a word neither would I be expected to say sorry. The only thing that I might get to hear “koi baat nahin”. He understands the entire picture behind it I have no doubt that he is the one who will stand by me forever. It is important to realize, as I always say, that there is no greater punishment than living with a guilt forever, don’t let your loved ones harbor anything of this kind in their heart. Just a suggestion read “The kite Runner by Khalid Hosseni” deep rooted guilt an emotion that is wonderfully penned down in the book.

4) First : When somebody is the first person you run to, when you want to share, the first opinion you seek, the first person you ask for help, the first shoulder to cry on, the first one you know would make you laugh, the first one to understand you even before you utter your first word, the first one to realize why you are hiding the truth, the first one make out how you are feeling without asking you…just by looking at you, hearing your voice, the first one to understand that you wanted to cry but why you didn’t, the first one to know that you wanted to say something, but why you didn’t……. and many such firsts when lead to a common man, he is the one you should look for to be with.

5) Forgo : To take care of somebody in a way that it is their choice, their happiness, their smallest of the desires, their greatest of the dreams, their passions etc in short when you make theirs as your own makes a relationship. If you can not give them what they deserve you don’t even deny them that right, which somebody else might be able to fulfill it. Either I stand up to be able to match their expectations or I simply let go off for their good, rather than messing up their life to come. This is forgoing, letting go off, sacrificing. When thy partners will matters more than your own, when selflessness holds the key, when selfishness is a crime this is when you know you are in a relationship.

There can be other such traits that define people are in a relationship, but for somebody who has a very limited thinking, people like us, these little things can help you decide.

When you trust somebody give them the chance they ought to get, go and test them on either of these, if they stand out the so called test I can assure you, that person is the one you ought to spend your life with or your life for. The kite runner had a saying” for you a thousand times over” that is the feeling that you will have when you find that right person, the only expectation from that relationship is that all expectations of your partner are fulfilled, no matter what ever you might have to do.

Maan kehti hai !!!!

This is a small poem i wrote for my little cute niece, she has a competition in her school to recite a poem with actions. I really could not make out how this is, so put it up here on the blog. The best place for opinions to pour in...hope this is liked by the readers..

Maan kehti hai, main unki pari hoon…

Meri aankhen timtimaati hain,

Meri baatein unhein hasaanti hain

Mujhe lori suna ke woh sulati hai

Ek pappi deke subah uthaati hai

Mujhe jo acha lage woh banaati hai

Pehle mujhe khilaati hai, phir khaati hai

Meri khuhsi ke liye, ghoda banti hai

Mere liye kisi se bhi ladti hai

Subah se sham woh mera khayaal rakhti hai

Mere sapnon ke liye, woh mehnat karti hai

Meri hansi se uska din ban jaata hai

Mujhmain unhe apna bachpan nazar aata hai

Maan kehti hai, main unki pari hoon

Jewels of life

Life is too short to have grudges, to hate, to be selfish, to envy, be jealous or to not appreciate the very spirit of life. Go ahead and appreciate, admire, love, forgive, spread smiles, make friends, be fearless to explore, give as much as you can to make it a life not just lived…but one that you have enjoyed living each moment of it to the fullest.

There is a difference between a smile and happiness, the former is on the surface and the later within just like satisfaction, it is these very forms of deep down expressions that people should make efforts for. Few simple things that might help you have this feeling:

When you feel a sense of pride, by having done something for somebody

Call your Dad, thank him for letting you have this pleasure by making you what you are.

When you feel lonely, it appears to be a selfish world around,

Call your Maa, thank her for being around always for you, for her selfless devotion for you

When you feel you have lost something and it is difficult to survive without it,

Visit an orphanage, you will find a way of life howsoever important the gone by had been

When you meet a person, who is better than you, who makes you feel inferior within,

Approach him, thank him, you really liked meeting him he has set up a new bar for you to achieve.

When you feel that being with family has been hampering you, you could be better of alone,

Visit an old age home, they once had a family and want it desperately now, but they can’t.

When you stop feeling that serenity too has a sound, a sound that isn’t audible but can only be felt,

Try talking to a deaf man, this is the only sound he has lived with, a calmness he felt from within.

When you feel that you have been appreciated for your skills, talents and knowledge,

Visit your alma-mater, thank it for giving you an environment to shape up the way you are.

When you feel that virtues such as simplicity, sincerity, honesty truthfulness are no more valued,

Spend time with your kid, his smile shows the confidence, the trust he has in you, it is reassuring.

When you feel you have been defeated, lost dignity,

Ask your partner does she feel so, that’s all that matters.

When you feel you have achieved what you have always wanted desperately,

Visit a temple, to share you joy with the almighty, thank him for his help in achieving your dream.

When you feel that somebody has done a gross error not worth a pardon,

Think the last time, when you were in his place, take a decision as if you are asking for forgiveness.

When you have lots going on in your head, want to share, want to express, feel goodie goodie..

Approach a friend, a bear hug, a word or two, a tear or a smile all can just make your day.

Before you have you food, say a small thanks to the lord for that meal,

Forgive people as much as you can, there is no greater punishment than to live with a feeling of guilt…forever.

Life is full of such small-small things that help you enjoy, feel satisfied, little less selfish, see the positive, brighter and better side of the world, laugh and enjoy in a nutshell be a better human….a rare commodity these days.

Some relationships have no name

Some relationships have no name...
The bonds are invisible but when broken cause pain...
There's no fear of a loss nor hope of a gain...
Some relationships have no name....
They start with a drizzle of desire then it never stops to rain....
The gift is a curse when a boon is the bane......
Some relationships have no name
so lets play with spirit if this life is a game....
Some relationships have no name.....

Joker in the Pack

Dedicated to all residents of 166p,sec-23 Gurgaon….Guys we are amazing man, we are the joker in the pack.(Any resemblance to any character living is purely intentional, resemblance to dead…will be a coincidence in the near future.)

Q. How many cards make a complete deck?

A. 52 (Mostly, rather all give this answer).

Right rather not exactly…depends on the way you look at it. I say “52 cards and a joker”. This Joker, most people forget, or ignore. It is not considered to be a part of the deck, just an extra card. The joker has been taken to be an extra all these years and will continue to be so.

Kids have games where the joker’s presence is a must. Could be because, kids don’t learn being judgemental so early, or they might be able to relate to it probably because of it’s appearance, it’s versatility. Moreover kids love winning but more important to them is the very spirit of the game. This thought is in sync with the creation of ..the Joker.

But in a realistic world, when the so called adults/players sit across, for a one on one. It is the ace they love, the 2’s they don’t want, the kings, queens, jacks they prefer. Joker is not taken to be a part of the deck, usually. Very rarely, do they have games where joker is taken to be a part of the deck, the joker likes it but does not take this moment to last for eternity. For it, it is better to enjoy this short lived state of acceptance than to have an illusionary expectation for this to last forever.

When things are perfect it is immaterial who you are, ikka ya duggi, badshah ya ghulam, sab isi rangmanch ki kathputliyaan hai. It is the ability to survive, adapt to the unexpected that reflects what you really can be. An Ace always beats a 2, but in crisis it can not replace even that same lowly, detested, always beaten “ 2”, neither the other way round, can the “2” how much so it may have always wanted to be the ace for a moment only, but even it has to let go off the opportunity and go ahead and continue as the “duggi”. But, but a joker can fit in anywhere……HAPPILY. With a smile, it assumes any role as asked to, it has no qualms. It makes no complaints about being a 2 neither is it elated to be an ace, it’s only motto is “the game should go on.”

Most people don’t even know that the joker exists somewhere, some might faintly remember it’s whereabouts, but the joker does not mind it. For it, it is more important to be able to be of use, than to make its presence felt, be visible, to be in the limelight. The Joker is happy to be the entertainer, the crisis solver, the reliable extra, the fit in all, the replacement to any card, the invisible assurance of being around, the visible trust, the friend to call on……….anytime. The joker’s song:

“ Apne liye jiye toh kya jiye, tu jee e dil zamaane ke liye”

Coud be an Illusion....not exactly.

A spate of incidents has slightly shaken the faith I had in myself, my inherent abilities. It now appears to be an illusion I was living with all this while….and now it has come to an end.

I always thought I was good at understanding people, because of my ability to listen to them, empathize, console and give them the assurance that no matter how bad it might appear to be now, but it still isn’t the worst. There ought to be a way, and moreover they aren’t alone. I will trudge the path with them, I will stand with them, always. I might not be a superhero to set all things to just perfect, but definitely I would try to do what so ever is best possible. But this confidence I had on myself recently faded, I am not that good as I thought. My analysis, my observation of situations and people is still no better than a kid to be precise; a kid makes no judgment on what is in the heart but it is only the appearance at a particular moment that matters, and that moment itself is eternity for him.

Meri chaahi karan ki, jo tumhari chah,

Apni chaahi kariyo, yeh hi meri chah.

This might have been advocated by some great man, but I heard it from a very simple man, my father. When it comes to caring for somebody, I have not seen a better example than him. The way he cares for his kids, the family, the relatives his friends, his kid’s friends and even unknowns rather any person who walks up to him. This is what I have learnt from that man during my entire growing up. He taught me: Caring for people has more to do with understanding each other, compromising in the others favour, sacrificing our expectations for their happiness, and giving them an assurance ek dilaasa ki main tumhaare saath hoon har pal, go ahead and do what makes you happy. It is this belief of his presence with me, always even when I am in distant remote corners, that has made me take up the most difficult challenges, make the toughest of decisions, go ahead with what makes me happy…to live the way I want to. He never expresses that, but then the most beautiful and important things can never be put in words, they can just be felt….it has more to do with experiencing and enduring than to do with expressing and expecting. I followed this, and that might make me appear insensitive, strange and not one of those who care.

But then my faith in my foundation is stronger than any setback that might try to teach me otherwise …sounding arrogant ha!!!! . Rarely people get an opportunity to stand up for themselves…and they shouldn’t loose that, that’s exactly what I am doing and should be doing.